Letters

Dad received a letter from his son:

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o, if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you a$ $oon a$ po$$ible.

Love, Your $on.

A week later, Dad replied:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are enOugh to keep even an hoNOrs student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

Three scientists died in a car crash and were sent to hell. Down there, they were told by Satan that they would be punished in the Lake of Fire for their sins. The scientists were very afraid and pleaded for another chance at life to right their wrongs. After constant persuasion, Satan relented and gave them a condition.

"Go back there and bring me something I cannot melt. Then you live again." Satan said, allowing himself a wry smile at the impossibility of the task.

So the first scientist travelled to a remote island where the best geologists are studying volcanic activities in the area and got himself a piece of rock.

"We found this strange piece of rock that doesn't seem to have a melting point!" One of the geologists said.

The happy scientist then went back to hell and presented the rock to Satan. Satan held it in his hand and effortlessly, melted the rock, before sending the first scientist into the Lake of Fire.

The second scientist was so afraid but went to NASA where he worked. He got himself a piece of newly developed spacesuit that could withstand the harshest temperatures.

Back in hell, Satan held the spacesuit in his hand and again, melted it instantly. The second scientist got sent into the Lake of Fire.

Now the third scientist had given up hope and was ready to succumb to defeat. "This guy can melt anything! What chance do I have?!"

Then he remembered what he had in his pocket - a couple of colorful, rounded objects. He gave it a shot and handed it to Satan. Satan held the round objects in his hand and tried to melt it. Nothing happened. Satan summoned all his might and the dark powers of hell but still, it didn't melt.

Finally, Satan gave up and agreed to let the scientist go, but not before asking him what it was.

"It's .... M & M's la ... melts in your mouth, not in your hands!!!"

Three men - a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were in a car when it crashed into a tree. Soon, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil said, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If any of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.

Nelson Mandela was amazed and told the man off "Look ... you must've got the wrong fella" and shut the door.

The next morning, there was another knock on the door and Nelson Mandela was greeted by the Chinese man again. Behind him was a truckload full of car brake pads. "You sign! You sign!" the Chinese man said.

Getting a little pissed off, Nelson Mandela shoved the man off and said "Look ... you've got the wrong guy! I don't want these things!"

The next day, the Chinese man knocked on the door again and thrusts his clipboard under Mandela's nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO truckloads of car windscreens.

Nelson Mandela totally lost his temper and yelled at the man "Look ... I don't want these things, you understand?! Who do you want to give these things to?!!!"

The Chinese man was taken aback, and looking at Nelson Mandela with a puzzled look on his face, asked "You not Nissan maindealer?!"

Little Red Riding Hood was skipping down the road when she saw the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf", said Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumped up and ran away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood saw the wolf again. This time he was crouched behind a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf", said Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumped up and ran away!!!

About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood saw the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf", taunted Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumped up and screamed ...

"Will you just leave me alone! I'm trying to take a shit!!!"

An explorer in the deepest Amazon forest suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm in deep shit now."

Suddenly, there was a ray of light from heaven and a voice boomed out:

"No, you are NOT in deep shit yet! Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you!"

So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the living shit out of the chief. As he stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice boomed out again:

"Alright ... NOW you're in deep shit!"

Now this is a rather interesting poem ... try make some sense of it.