"This might sound strange, but it is in fact already proven through our 6-year research programme which involves monitoring the activities of students, ministers, scientists and construction workers and how they are affected by music", revealed Professor Joe Satriani who spearheaded the research programme.

"After conducting tests on over 3,000 volunteers, the results showed overwhelming evidence that hard-core listeners of heavy metal music were more alert, both mentally and physically. They were also more energetic."

According to Prof Satriani, from 600 17-year olds who listened to heavy metal, 599 of them scored straight A's in their school examinations. The odd one out joined a band and quit school.

On the other hand, listeners to mushy, love pop and R&B songs displayed emotional instabilities and were generally 'slower'. From over 400 high-ranking officers in top institutions monitored who prefered pop songs, 399 of them got sacked for various reasons, such as being unable to complete tasks satisfactorily and displaying lack of interest in their line of work.

Favourite boyband Backstreet Boys, when interviewed, said "This is a definite attempt by boyband-haters to hand discredibility to us. It's a conspiracy attempt by the government and boyband-haters to overthrow us from rocking, oops ... popping the world with our music."

Metal heavyweights Megadeth was pleased with the revelation. "Mothers used to say our brand of music drive them up the wall. Now, I think they will actually buy heavy metal albums for their kids or husbands for Christmas!"

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© Copyright Mike_Macha 1998